


The New Edition of Witch Weekly

by KoraKwidditch



Series: Marauders Crack Fics [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, Goblins, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Nude Modeling, Nude Photos, Porn Magazines, Witch Weekly, Young James Potter, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:55:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23314990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KoraKwidditch/pseuds/KoraKwidditch
Summary: Sirius finds a hidden copy of Witch Weekly under James' mattress and decides to show Remus and Peter.Written for Hermione's Nook Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest!
Relationships: James Potter/Goblins, Peter Pettigrew/Goblins, Remus Lupin/Goblins, Sirius Black/Goblins
Series: Marauders Crack Fics [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675846
Comments: 12
Kudos: 20
Collections: Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest





	The New Edition of Witch Weekly

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt:  
> Black Card: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and ________  
> White Card: an edition of Witch Weekly
> 
> Beta love to Mrs_Poncey! 
> 
> (This was written while slightly drunk/extremely tired and well... I'm not sure what happened ! lol)
> 
> Also, it is not required but I do recommend reading "James Loves Goblins" before this one for some extra context!
> 
> Make sure you go read the rest of the fics in this fest! I beta'd quite a few and let me tell you they are HILARIOUS.

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/143851546@N04/49698180611/in/dateposted-public/)

The New Edition of Witch Weekly 

“Guys! Guess what I found under James mattress!” Sirius waved a magazine at Remus and Peter as he approached them in the common room. James was absent, serving detention with Professor McGonagall for jinxing Snape. He had learnt a new one called _Tentaclifors_ ; it had turned Snape's head into a giant purple tentacle. 

Remus sighed and closed the book he was reading. “What is it?” 

Sirius grinned and held the new edition of Witch Weekly under his gaze. It was The one issue they dedicated that year to the females of a different species. This specific edition was goblins, and printed large on the front was one dressed in a too-short dress trying to look innocently seductive. 

“I knew he’d been hiding something! And I finally found it. Want to look through it with me?” 

Remus protested but Peter looked all too eager to flip through the pages. Sirius sat between them on the couch and opened the cover. Remus adamantly tried to look away but curiosity won over, and the trio found themselves looking at the magazine in Padfoot’s lap with disgusted interest. 

“What the bloody hell is that,” Remus mumbled out in horror at the image on the first page. 

A female goblin with a large stomach stood against a white background wearing a polka dot dress. It wouldn’t have been so bad, if it wasn't for her dress being blown up by a gust of wind. The moving picture showed her shyly pressing the skirt down, though not in enough of a rush to show actual embarrassment. Her underthings were exposed and a scrap of lace showed against severely wrinkled skin. 

Peter’s mouth popped open as the image replayed, and Sirius let out a laugh. Remus’s face screwed up in horror as Sirius continued through the magazine. Spread after spread of scantily clad goblins moved within the pages. They were shown in bathing suits, short dresses and even a few in lingerie. 

Remus let out an exclamation of horror as they came to the centre-fold.

This goblin was lying completely naked on her back, with one of her long protruding fingers resting on her thin lips. Remus supposed she was trying to give off a coy look but the only feeling it caused the trio as they glanced at it was horror at her sharpened teeth and protruding nose. 

Her other hand was placed between sagging breasts, both of them drooped off her chest in opposite directions. After a moment it trailed lower until it reached her nether-regions, spreading apart the folds like a moldy week-old sandwich. 

Remus stood from the couch as if it had burned him, his nose wrinkled in disgust. “Sirius, for the love of Merlin. Close that!” 

Sirius was staring at the page like a deer caught in headlights. He couldn’t look away, no matter how much he tried. 

Peter squeaked, and turned tomato red beside him. “W-why does James have something like this under his bed?” 

“I don’t want to know!” Remus piped up. “Just put it back, Padfoot! I’m going to obliviate myself. That was— I never needed to see that ever in my life.” 

The portrait hole opened at the front of the common room, and as James stepped through his eyes landed on his friends. He gave them a smile as he approached but it instantly turned to a look of horror when he realized Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and his edition of Witch Weekly were snuggled together on the sofa.

Remus snatched the magazine from Sirius’s hands and shoved it into James’ chest. “I don’t want to know why you have this or why it was under your mattress. I don’t want to hear anything about this _ever_ again. I’m going to pretend this _never_ happened. Please, for Godric’s sake, take this... _foul_ shit back to your room.” 

James nodded mutely, and his face drained of all colour before he bolted up the stairs and slammed the dorm door closed. 

Sirius stared into the fire, his hands outstretched before him as if still holding the magazine. “I—I think I’m possibly attracted to goblins.”

Peter muttered his agreement beneath reddened cheeks and Remus gawked at his friends in abhorrence. 

“ _What—_ the fuck.”


End file.
